The last week was a spiritual hell for me. This week may not be significantly better in terms of the practical outcome. Restoration has not been complete and I doubt it would be any time soon. Thoughts of loneliness and anxiety in my friendships crept in. Things are, honestly, looking bleak, and no particular person is to blame but myself.
In the midst of the struggle, last week, I chose to chicken out and totally doubt God. This week, I want to choose to have faith in the struggle, and not fall like last week.One crucial lesson to learn is that God is sovereign. The biggest issue I have is, if God is not just ultimately sovereign (as the logic will entail) but even so practically sovereign, what does that mean in my struggle? The flesh concludes it’s God’s will for me to suffer, and thus totally contradicts the God of love. The spirit revealed to me that precisely because God is practically sovereign, this struggle does not have the last word on my struggle. God does.
The struggle is, simply put, trusting anyone with my struggles. Apart from God, I cannot find a single person to share my struggle with. Not my parents, not my life group, and not even my friend who stuck by me last week (he has many more important and urgent issues by his other friends to settle, on top of the stress induced by A-levels). The close friends I once had have been affected by my past mistakes, and in practice I’m alone.
It feels like all these years went down the drain. In the area of friendships, I don’t feel like I’ve been liberated. It’s been a long struggle and it doesn’t look like it’ll end any time soon.
And in the midst of this I will confess that God is sovereign. This defeat is not the final word. God will restore, according to His Word. Precisely because God is sovereign I can be assured that things will get better, sooner or later. I will continue to pray for a restored spirit, and for restored friendships. I will pray for renewed trust in people, and the favor to edify them in the midst of my struggle.
This week’s struggle will be different from last week’s. This struggle will be fought with faith. This struggle is not my battle but the Lord’s, and I will simply rest in Him. I will indulge in His Word. I will indulge in His presence. I will do nothing but find quality rest in Him. He fights, I rest. He is sovereign and I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
And because God is sovereign, this struggle is not ultimate. Healing and restoration is. This is the nature of my God: to heal and restore, exceedingly and abundantly more than I can ask or think. His heart isn’t to torture but to save.
Pray for me as this week goes by, thanks.
—Joel Kindiak, 27 Sept 17, 0906H