On the 11 July 2017, my close friend sent a text suggesting that we should call each other less and text each other less. That night after realizing the impact of that message—how I would lose a best friend again—my heart broke and I had a sleepless night. Every day since then would be hell. If she didn’t reply my texts, I would condemn myself for destroying the friendship and if she did, I would reply immediately and worry that she won’t bother because she feels uncomfortable around me.
This led me to flare up a few times and send emotionally charged texts many times. I knew this friendship would end, but wanted to salvage it for as long as possible. On 21 July 2017 in my office my, I was overwhelmed with grief. I had a taste of what the loss from the death of a loved one felt like. I wept silently in my office, since I do not want to disturb my colleagues, and complained to another close friend of mine. In fact I complained to him throughout these two weeks. It was an awful two weeks. Why did God let me go through this? Why isn’t He doing anything to stop this torture?
These two weeks shown me the despair that those suffering clinical depression face. It was a bondage of little to no hope. As much as I send daily verses every morning, I find difficulty believing in what I wrote. Having exhausted all I can think of: trying to discuss this with my close friend, trying to overcome it with music, trying to distract myself, I ended up reading the psalms and writing daily verses by faith. I ended up writing this by the Holy Spirit:
The psalmist contemplated that even in a flood of great waters, they will not come near him. They will not overwhelm him. As a beloved child of God, resist the lies of the devil—they cannot come near you. God will preserve you from the lies of the enemy with His truth. He will overcome those waves of worry with waves of grace.
And then a thought came into my mind: the reason why I felt awful everytime my close friend doesn’t reply my texts or calls me or want to meet me up is because I believed that these were signs that she didn’t want me to be her close friend.
And then it dawned on me.
This was a lie.
And I have believed this for 7 years.
I was spiritually enraged. How could the devil have hoodwinked me all 7 years, even as a grace-preaching, Bible-quoting believer? I was deceived for 7 long years, leading to the brutal slashings of many formerly close friends. I was so angry. I was determined by the power of God’s grace never to return to this bondage again.
This lie also applied to the close friend I had a misunderstanding with at the start of the year. We are okay! I’ve thought we had something against each other but the reality is that we are okay! I’m sure if I give her a call or a text, we can have an insightful conversation and for the first time, restoration of a close friendship is possible. Maybe this is what God meant when He said that He does impossible things and that the truth will set me free.
Disclaimer: I didn’t get myself out of this bondage. God, in His grace, saved me. He saved me through and through at the right place and the right time. Retrospectively, I’m glad I struggled through the two hell weeks with two of my closest friends, and I’m even close again with the one whom I had a conflict with. God saved me, and did something impossible, that is, to break a 7-year-long bondage from me.
Thank You Jesus for setting me free.
There are moments when the awful thoughts do enter my head, but it is the grace of God that gives me power to resist the devil, and he will flee from me. Whenever the devil condemns with awful thoughts, it is spiritual warfare to combat them with Christ-essence thoughts, where it’s not about me but about Jesus in me. But wow, having been freed, I am not going to that place of bondage again!
For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. [Galatians 5:1]
Free at last!
—Joel Kindiak, 27 Jul 17, 0816H