I’m Going Insane

Or at least I feel like it.

This is the first time in 5 years I had mood swings. Over various reasons. I doubt it compares to ladies during that time of the month but damn it’s insane!

One moment I can be thinking right, cutting myself some slack and loosening up when I’m hanging out with friends and feeling good about it.

The next moment I can be sulking and condemning myself for being the shittiest friend alive. For being a weakling and totally un-support-like.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. This hasn’t happened to me in 4 years, since I was Sec 4. Normally it’s joyful, then moments of the other emotions that last for a short time but dissipate later in the day. I don’t bring those emotions with me to my bed.

Yet the irony is that 2017, the Year of Abundant Joy, began with anything BUT.

This is nuts. Zomg.

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Assurance

In recent days I am in great need of assurance.

Assurance that my friends care, and that my close friends really care.

Assurance that they have got my back when I need them just as I have theirs when they need me.

Assurance that I am valuable in their eyes.

Assurance that builds me up and points me to Christ.

Assurance that is permanent and established in God’s truth.

Value

A lot of why I thought the way I did is because I assumed others’ thoughts of me. That they think I’m not that valuable. After all, how else can one explain the failed meetups and the lack of availability?

The reality is that not everyone I consider close will consider me close. We have different friends, some of us have more than others. I for one don’t have many, and my fear is that out of the little, even they don’t value me as much as I value them.

In light of this, maybe, I need to let go. Let God take control of non-reciprocal relationships. Let God grow them. He works, I rest. I focus on how I view myself: accepted and accepted in the Beloved (repetition for emphasis).

No matter how much I value them, whether they value me or not doesn’t matter. What matters is how much Christ values me that He gave His life for me. I’m not just forgiven; I’m accepted in the Beloved. I’m assured of this acceptance, unlike friendships in which I’m not assured of my value in their eyes.

If you are reading this today and are down with certain issues, whatever they may be, I want you to know that your value is in Christ. As He is, so are you in this world, regardless of what anyone says. Your best friend might not actually feel the same to you, but you have a Friend who looks at you with infinitely immense love and favor and acceptance and value and worth.

At the cross, Christ took our worthlessness and we received His worth. He took our rejection that we might take His acceptance.

In Christ, you are incredibly valuable. Let that sink in. Live in that truth. Because of this, value people even though they may not reciprocate.

29 April

The day passes by unconsciously.

Students go about their day attending lectures and doing homework. Teachers run from class to class. Office workers send their emails as per normal and the day goes by unnoticed.

Year after year, I see many of my peers celebrating their yearly milestones, many a time without even them knowing that the celebration was planned out by their friends. “Blessed birthday babe (insert 20 million hearts)” or “hope your swim in the pool was a nice one” after throwing the birthday boy into the pool.

I never had that from my close friends. Any birthday celebrated by church was done out of obligation and every other celebration I had was planned out by myself. I never had the privilege of a birthday surprise or at least friends who cared enough to celebrate this day with me. On 29 April 2017, I turn 20, and unless some miracle happens I suspect the above three paragraphs will perfectly describe it.

At certain moments I mourn inwardly at this tragedy, but decide to respond with, “it is well with my soul” nonetheless.

I don’t know if my friends are planning anything, and I frankly have too little hope that they are. No classmate of mine surprised my birthday for 12 years. No one cared enough to do so.

Am I such a failure as a friend? What did I not do right as a friend?

At least my family goes out for dinner in lieu of that day, as we do for each birthday that passes (Dad’s one coming in a few weeks).

29 April.

The day that, under normal circumstances, passes by unconsciously.

Maturing in Independence

I’ve relied on my parents a lot in the past years, partly because I need to, but partly also cos I’m one lazy bum. I want that to change this year, and here are little changes to my daily lifestyle to attain a bit more than that, progressively.

These goals will snowball over time:

  1. Handle my own skincare, including facial wash, cream(s) and taking medicine at the right time. (not fully)
  2. Spend less than $10 a day. By calculations this allows me to have approximately $3000 by the end of the year which will suffice for my overseas trip in 2018. (check)
  3. Be involved in housework (once my skin and eye conditions are stabilized), such as making the bed (check), washing dishes (not yet), sweeping and mopping the floor (not yet), washing (not yet) and ironing the clothes (not yet), and doing them regularly as part of a routine.

This way not only can I learn to take care of myself but also relieve a bit of workload from my parents. It’s time they rested from their labor, or at least a bit of it. I look forward to the day only my brother and I do the housework.

Disappointful Sorrow

THROWBACK

There goes a saying, “the closer you are, the easier to hurt”. That is exactly what happened on the same day I questioned the value of my birthday. I was hurt greatly. I felt that I was being lied to. I met another close friend for dinner that night and instead of studying we ended up hearing me complain and rant and lament.

I lamented a lot. Surprisingly I didn’t weep, but I was just lamenting my heart out.

The hurt was dejá Vu.

In 2012, there were a group of people I thought were my close friends. I chose to support them in any way I can. The result? A realisation that they didn’t actually want to hang out with me. While what happened wasn’t exactly that, it felt like that. It felt just like betrayal, or at least deception. Whether it was intentional or not, the damage was unknowingly done. Doesn’t this remind you of the llao llao incident a while back?

I link this to the same dilemma in a previous post: am I really that worthless in the eyes of the people I believe are close? Is my value that little?

I felt betrayed. This time, after hours of complaining and ranting and lamenting, I choose forgiveness.

I felt disappointed. How could I be let down like that?

Instead of cursing, I choose to bless.

I choose joy.

I choose to believe that whatever happens, God has greater things in store. One of my close friends’ church’s theme of 2017 is ‘The Year of Greater’, interestingly enough. God always gives the best. There is much more blessing to come. If the sorrow is great, His joy is greater.

I choose to believe in God’s promises and not my struggles or circumstances.

I choose to be there for even this person who has hurt me greatly, because that’s what the Lord told me to do.

His grace is stronger.

-Joel Kindiak, 6 Jan 17

You Work! I Rest!


You work, I rest!

At first glance this phrase seems utterly selfish and lazy. God gave us work to do, why am I just forsaking it like that? Or am I actually commanding God to work on my behalf? That’s blasphemy added on to the list!

And yet, the reverse is pride. In saying, “God, I work, You rest,” we are saying we don’t need God in the things we do. We will take upon ourselves every task that comes and God doesn’t need to bother because we can do it.

This happened in time past when I strived to excel in studies or meet old friends. The consequence? Utter failure in my grades. People respond with “Sorry, can’t make it,” then justify that with an obviously fabricated excuse. The reality is that I can’t do the work better than God, so why should I act as if I can? The interesting thing is that the harder we try, the worse the failure and the struggle.

The reverse is true. The more we rest, the more God works and we see effortless success. In Sec 4 God told me to trust Him to get my ‘A1’ for Chinese. While the result wasn’t exactly an A1, it sure was an A that I’m satisfied with nonetheless. When I stop trying to organize meetups, people organize meetups with me. When I stop striving for attention, people eventually pay attention to me.

He works, I rest!

Let go and let God flow. When God is in charge, He will grant the desires of my heart because now my heart doesn’t desire the world but Christ. And amazingly, when we seek Him first, all these lesser blessings will be added on to me.

Before I end, I want to make a disclaimer that rest does not mean slack. We can do nothing but still be worried and not at rest. Conversely, it’s possible to be busy with doing a lot and still be restful. Jesus was the busiest man on earth, healing and teaching everywhere He went. Restfulness is an attitude that translates into productivity, because God works through us.

When I restfully study, it is not jacking off and spamming Mario Kart. It is memorizing my Geography content or attempting grueling Biology questions knowing that God is doing the studying by providing me His study strategy. The restful habit of consistency, by the grace of God, resulted in effortless success in my studies. More on that in time to come.

Furthermore, in proclaiming God as the best, ultimate worker, we not just rely on God in theory, but in practice. No longer striving, no longer stressed, in Him our Jesus, we find our rest! (Restful Increase by New Creation Worship) As we choose to rest, not just to think that God is in control but live in restful assurance and conviction that He is, He will surely, surely, deliver what He promised.

I choose this day to rest. Lord, You work! I rest!