Back to when we played chess every day after school.
Back to when we prepared our dance item for Christmas and Easter and Easter again.
Back to when we had popcorn prayer for 45 minutes straight and free worship, 1.5h.
Back to when every time after our usher duties were over we’d sit at the round blue tables to joke and talk and have a good time.
Back to when Downtown East haven’t yet renovated.
Back to when texting her was an every day activity, blessing each other with encouragements every morning.
Back to when Project Logos worked out for a while.
Back to when I had a whale of a time doing work and helping my schoolmates with their work.
Back to when I’d help out at SFC every week, post-graduation.
Back to when we walk home every week fellowshipping without fail.
Back to when we biked in the rain.
Back to when we went to watch the Christmas Wonderland lights.
Back to when we studied overnight.
“These people raised me and I can’t wait to go home.” —Ed Sheeran
All but a blur.
Phone numbers that receive my daily verses but have otherwise no bearing on my life.
Phone numbers of Whatsapp groupmates that have otherwise no bearing on my life.
Phone numbers of precious people in time past who now have practically no bearing on my life.
8 digits. Nothing more.
Of people out of my life.
Every once in a while, I’ll take a look at my contacts list and start slashing names out, swiping and selecting the red ‘Delete’ button.
The weird thing is recently some contacts I smashed out have been interacting a bit more frequently, so perhaps it’s a better idea to keep them just in case.
But yeah I get brutal.
Or at least I feel like it.
This is the first time in 5 years I had mood swings. Over various reasons. I doubt it compares to ladies during that time of the month but damn it’s insane!
One moment I can be thinking right, cutting myself some slack and loosening up when I’m hanging out with friends and feeling good about it.
The next moment I can be sulking and condemning myself for being the shittiest friend alive. For being a weakling and totally un-support-like.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. This hasn’t happened to me in 4 years, since I was Sec 4. Normally it’s joyful, then moments of the other emotions that last for a short time but dissipate later in the day. I don’t bring those emotions with me to my bed.
Yet the irony is that 2017, the Year of Abundant Joy, began with anything BUT.
This is nuts. Zomg.
The day passes by unconsciously.
Students go about their day attending lectures and doing homework. Teachers run from class to class. Office workers send their emails as per normal and the day goes by unnoticed.
Year after year, I see many of my peers celebrating their yearly milestones, many a time without even them knowing that the celebration was planned out by their friends. “Blessed birthday babe (insert 20 million hearts)” or “hope your swim in the pool was a nice one” after throwing the birthday boy into the pool.
I never had that from my close friends. Any birthday celebrated by church was done out of obligation and every other celebration I had was planned out by myself. I never had the privilege of a birthday surprise or at least friends who cared enough to celebrate this day with me. On 29 April 2017, I turn 20, and unless some miracle happens I suspect the above three paragraphs will perfectly describe it.
At certain moments I mourn inwardly at this tragedy, but decide to respond with, “it is well with my soul” nonetheless.
I don’t know if my friends are planning anything, and I frankly have too little hope that they are. No classmate of mine surprised my birthday for 12 years. No one cared enough to do so.
Am I such a failure as a friend? What did I not do right as a friend?
At least my family goes out for dinner in lieu of that day, as we do for each birthday that passes (Dad’s one coming in a few weeks).
The day that, under normal circumstances, passes by unconsciously.
I’ve relied on my parents a lot in the past years, partly because I need to, but partly also cos I’m one lazy bum. I want that to change this year, and here are little changes to my daily lifestyle to attain a bit more than that, progressively.
These goals will snowball over time:
- Handle my own skincare, including facial wash, cream(s) and taking medicine at the right time. (not fully)
- Spend less than $10 a day. By calculations this allows me to have approximately $3000 by the end of the year which will suffice for my overseas trip in 2018. (check)
- Be involved in housework (once my skin and eye conditions are stabilized), such as making the bed (check), washing dishes (not yet), sweeping and mopping the floor (not yet), washing (not yet) and ironing the clothes (not yet), and doing them regularly as part of a routine.
This way not only can I learn to take care of myself but also relieve a bit of workload from my parents. It’s time they rested from their labor, or at least a bit of it. I look forward to the day only my brother and I do the housework.
This weekend (9-11 Dec) was one of the busier ones, and really quite fulfilling, might I add.
On Friday afternoon, I met Faith at Changi Airport and we did work and talked about life and crushes and all that good stuff. It was edifying and refreshing to know that we still build each other up, that our friendship based on Christ has not been shaken by the fact that we’re in different churches.
At night on my way home, Ting Wei asked if I wanted to help out for this outreach event that suddenly requires manpower. I said we’ll do it if we all do it together. That night TW said alright, then the next day Joanne and Xin An also joined along. The outreach was pretty cool, giving out welfare packs in the spirit of Christmas and encouraging the residents to celebrate Christmas with the church this year.
Interestingly, right after that, my LG went for a similar outreach event, but instead of welfare packs we gave bread as the monthly event is called ‘Bread with Love’. The person I worked with focused a lot on church, which disturbed me. I’ve been through a stage of my life where I used all sorts of gimmicks and gotchas to attract people the church, all the while doing so out of obligation and fear rather than out of love. I felt guilty that I wasn’t a good Christian if I didn’t jio people to church, but did not know of any alternative. Of course, in due time, God showed me that I bring them to Christ because I love them, not love them because I wanna bring them to Christ. Nevertheless, the amount of aggression my partner displayed in simply bringing them to church was disturbing. I see that her participation was out of love but didn’t see that love displayed in the act of giving.
The next day, I woke up early as I got out of bed and met Ying Hern to witness Elizabeth’s reaffirmation of her faith, her decision to choose Christ over all. In the early morning, I caught up with Shaquil and realised that our jobscopes in serving the nation are quite different and his is way more challenging than mine. I went home to rehearse the songs that Jason, John and I will be leading during the Christmas Party for our family before joining Xin An at the Popular fair thingy in town to buy my much awaited Mildliner pens that won’t make my Bible bleed as I spam it with annotations.
This weekend was pretty nice, and as the first post in the week stated, the weeks ahead will just be awesome because it’s all about Jesus!