Why I Fear Making Close Friends and Why That’s Bullshit

So basically, in light of the shit that happened this past week, I have this thought that perhaps to save myself from the hurt of losing close friends, it’s better to not have them at all, not to forget also the age old issue of “If God wants to restore this completely, why isn’t He doing so?”

And right off the back this is obviously bullshit for a multitude of reasons. I’ll list three that came to mind:

  1. God’s desire is that I have close friends, for He will use them to point me to Him and use me to point them to Him. Also He loves to restore, and restoring is His specialty. By questioning Him i’m questioning His loving nature.
  2. It’s an incredibly self-centered thought. It’s not about how I can edify others, but how I can avoid the hurt. Furthermore, its cowardly. Even if I do fear losing close friends, I should tackle them head on, not cowardly back out cos i fear hurt.
  3. It’s incredibly pitiful. Anyone who even reads a bit of the Bible knows that it’s never good to be lonely. and it’s an insult to the people who do choose to tank my shit. it’s almost like saying them tanking my shit wasn’t worth any.

Which is why I need your prayers to overcome these thoughts and I need unmerited favor to love people even if I know I won’t benefit from it. My purpose isn’t to feel good but to edify others, and yet sometimes I can’t help but want to indulge in myself.

Please pray for me in a breakthrough in my friendships. It’s been a painful journey for a long time, and no more people should nor need to be hurt by me because of it.

–Joel Kindiak, 26 Sept 17, 2234H

Advertisements

Turn Back the Clock

Back to when we played chess every day after school.

Back to when we prepared our dance item for Christmas and Easter and Easter again.

Back to when we had popcorn prayer for 45 minutes straight and free worship, 1.5h.

Back to when every time after our usher duties were over we’d sit at the round blue tables to joke and talk and have a good time.

Back to when Downtown East haven’t yet renovated.

Back to when texting her was an every day activity, blessing each other with encouragements every morning.

Back to when Project Logos worked out for a while.

Back to when I had a whale of a time doing work and helping my schoolmates with their work.

Back to when I’d help out at SFC every week, post-graduation.

Back to when we walk home every week fellowshipping without fail.

Back to when we biked in the rain.

Back to when we went to watch the Christmas Wonderland lights.

Back to when we studied overnight.

“These people raised me and I can’t wait to go home.” —Ed Sheeran

8 Digits

All but a blur.

Phone numbers that receive my daily verses but have otherwise no bearing on my life.

Phone numbers of Whatsapp groupmates that have otherwise no bearing on my life.

Phone numbers of precious people in time past who now have practically no bearing on my life.

8 digits. Nothing more.

Brutal Slashing

Of people out of my life.

Every once in a while, I’ll take a look at my contacts list and start slashing names out, swiping and selecting the red ‘Delete’ button.

The weird thing is recently some contacts I smashed out have been interacting a bit more frequently, so perhaps it’s a better idea to keep them just in case.

But yeah I get brutal.

Pretty brutal.

I’m Going Insane

Or at least I feel like it.

This is the first time in 5 years I had mood swings. Over various reasons. I doubt it compares to ladies during that time of the month but damn it’s insane!

One moment I can be thinking right, cutting myself some slack and loosening up when I’m hanging out with friends and feeling good about it.

The next moment I can be sulking and condemning myself for being the shittiest friend alive. For being a weakling and totally un-support-like.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. This hasn’t happened to me in 4 years, since I was Sec 4. Normally it’s joyful, then moments of the other emotions that last for a short time but dissipate later in the day. I don’t bring those emotions with me to my bed.

Yet the irony is that 2017, the Year of Abundant Joy, began with anything BUT.

This is nuts. Zomg.

29 April

The day passes by unconsciously.

Students go about their day attending lectures and doing homework. Teachers run from class to class. Office workers send their emails as per normal and the day goes by unnoticed.

Year after year, I see many of my peers celebrating their yearly milestones, many a time without even them knowing that the celebration was planned out by their friends. “Blessed birthday babe (insert 20 million hearts)” or “hope your swim in the pool was a nice one” after throwing the birthday boy into the pool.

I never had that from my close friends. Any birthday celebrated by church was done out of obligation and every other celebration I had was planned out by myself. I never had the privilege of a birthday surprise or at least friends who cared enough to celebrate this day with me. On 29 April 2017, I turn 20, and unless some miracle happens I suspect the above three paragraphs will perfectly describe it.

At certain moments I mourn inwardly at this tragedy, but decide to respond with, “it is well with my soul” nonetheless.

I don’t know if my friends are planning anything, and I frankly have too little hope that they are. No classmate of mine surprised my birthday for 12 years. No one cared enough to do so.

Am I such a failure as a friend? What did I not do right as a friend?

At least my family goes out for dinner in lieu of that day, as we do for each birthday that passes (Dad’s one coming in a few weeks).

29 April.

The day that, under normal circumstances, passes by unconsciously.