What is a close friend, really?
We think of friends as supporters, people who will cheer us on in any situation. Friends who care more warn us of the potential dangers of our risky endeavours, and the closest hear us out in our weakest of times.
These became incredibly foreign to me after my close friend and I stopped interacting in Sec 2. Now, I know of many friends who care for me. Yesterday, the person I usually hear out ended up hearing me out as I reflected on this struggle of mine, even after having been thoroughly saved by grace, through and through. After our chat yesterday, I realised two things.
Firstly, I needed to find more common interests, which we explored and I’ve chosen: K-Dramas and Guitar. But that’s beside the point.
Secondly, and this I have yet to really tell anyone in detail, but I have actually been struggling with the concept of close friendship for the past 5 years. This manifested in many forms, such as intense reluctance to change cells, erecting emotional walls to protect myself from schoolmates, and the fear of losing cherished friendships. Going deeper, it all eroded in Sec 2 when my friendship ended, and my trust in people has been severely affected. I don’t trust people and entrust my personal weaknesses to anyone easily.
This seems to be a recurring theme. Even last week when I wept waterfalls Vincent felt that it was more than just a physical hurt but even more so an emotional hurt, one that has gone on for way too long.
I am incredibly detached from the idea that there would be a human who would go through life in my highs and my lows. Yes, Jesus is my best friend, but I can’t say that apart from Jesus I have any other friend I can call my best friend. Don’t get me wrong, the different groups of people I enjoy spending time spending with so much, like Faith/Alvin, Samuel, Bryan, Shun Xian, Serena, Joanne/Xin An/Ting Wei, Daniel/Jonathan, Benjamin are really amazing, and yet I’m still left with a part that has yet to be filled by the grace of Christ. I’m still on a healing journey and frankly I have no idea which direction I should be heading toward. Where do I start? How will it go? It surely takes faith, and God will lead me, and I’m trusting Him. The human part of me however, can’t see the end in sight and it’s not going to be an easy recovery.
I say this and reflect on this even after 5 years of being washed through and through by the grace of Christ. It doesn’t seem like it, but I am really, really, really scared to unveil my deepest weaknesses to the people around me.
Maybe it’s the fear of my friends leaving me when they see the bad and ugly side of my humanity. I’m a human. There’s no way I can do it all. I cannot, but Christ can!
Don’t get me wrong; I am infinitely grateful for the fact that I have friends and closer ones. The fact that I have friends, not to forget close ones, is purely by the grace of God in the care of my friends. It’s purely by the grace of God. I deny none of it. Yet, I can’t be a liar and deny that I still struggle in this area. It has got nothing to do with the people around me; it’s about my wrong believing and mistrust in people that needs to be overcome.
And I don’t know where to start.
Pray for me.
Joel Kindiak, 26 Sept 2016, 1104 hrs